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Welcome back, family!
Y'all ready to finish this up?
Let's get into it!
We suffered from COVID-19 symptoms for about a week and subsequently had to postpone our original departure date for Louisiana but once we got that negative test, we loaded up the car and hit the road for a 15+ hr drive with Josiah, Isaiah and our pitbull, Beaux in the back.
We had what was probably the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had because everyone got to meet Isaiah for the first time, Josiah got to reconnect with his cousins (the youngest of whom is 3), and CB and I could just breatheeeeee. In all the times I'd spent with CB's family, this was the first time I was there as a mother and it was truly a transformative experience. I didn’t grow up with a close-knit family and my mother raised my sister and I as a single parent, so the concept of what maternal support was and what familial community looked like was extremely foreign to me. Watching the teenagers swoop Isaiah out of my arms every chance they could while the uncles walked the land with Josiah as I puttered around the house, chatted with my mother-in-law, indulged in her truly divine Southern cooking, reconnecting with CB and enjoying several well-deserved glasses of wine taught me a different level of support I never knew I needed. It opened my eyes to the true beauty of black families & black community (particularly those in the deep south) and honestly made me reassess some of the ways in which I was brought up but more importantly, some of the ways I wanted to be more intentional about bringing up my boys.
We’d decided that unlike any of the prior years that we’d been together, CB & I were going to spend both holidays, Thanksgiving & Christmas in the South and in the weeks between both holidays, my mother-in-law offered to keep Josiah with her. It was a difficult decision because no mother wants to relinquish control of her children nor does she want to surrender to her need for assistance, but CB & I both found this to be an incredible opportunity for Josiah to forge real relationships with his cousins, an opportunity for my mother-in-law to get some alone time with her oldest grandson and it was also a profound opportunity for CB & I to have a breather, to take real time to reconnect with each other after having 2 back-to-back babies and to focus more intentionally on checking off the rest of our “Move to Belize” to-do list. Our decision, however, was not well-received AT ALL and we faced extreme backlash from my family but what had become primary in my intentions of mothering my children, was ensuring that they experienced real joy, real peace and happiness by any means necessary. If that meant spending both holidays in the South, so be it…
The three weeks in DC that passed between the holidays had its dark moments because I've always been extremely uncomfortable disappointing or hurting people...especially my parents. During those 3 weeks, however, I was often reminded of my family’s disappointment in our decision to leave Josiah in the South, how hurt they were by not being able to see him open his Christmas gifts, hints at the potential psychological damage we may have caused by “abandoning” him in the South and allusions to the fact that we were “young parents” and weren't thinking soundly when it came to our children. At each moment that something was said (somewhat passive aggressively, I'll admit), I reminded myself of the reasons why we left Jo behind, the profound benefits that we were all taking advantage of by his being in the South and the sheer joy that reverberated from every picture that my mother-in-law sent us.
Truthfully, fam...
We were beginning to perfect the technique of reminding ourselves of the power of our decision-making skills and subsequent decisions because we'd faced severe backlash at virtually every decision we'd made since first deciding to move to Belize. Each time our decisions were questioned, we were presented with an opportunity to remember our intentions, remember our strength, power & ability and ultimately remind ourselves that we were still walking a path of total alignment...regardless of how that made other people feel.
I realized that I’d spent decades of my life trying desperately to please my parents in every way possible from my education, career, personal life and more and no longer was I living to please, impress or avoid disappointment. I am now living to raise my children in the way(s) I’ve always visualized and with that may come subsequent disappointment from those who’d grown so comfortable with me allowing them to overstep my boundaries and from those who had once maintained total control over who I was and what I did.
No more. Never again.
So what was supposed to be a 2-week stay in Louisiana for Christmas ended up being a one-month stay instead. We experienced such joy, so much laughter, so much fun and such peace and it was truly EVERYTHING we needed and more to metaphorically "refill our cups".
Every time we were going to leave, we simply couldn’t go and I soon realized that we were reliving the exact same sentiments as we had been when we were leaving Belize last May. We each had our own reasons for not wanting to leave Louisiana and what pained me the most was the fact that we had to leave the safety, security and supportive community that I'd imprinted on so deeply to return to a place that I was struggling to feel much of a connection to; a place that required me to become someone I felt myself transforming beyond and indulging in energies that I no longer wanted to be present for.
…but then again…isn’t that exactly what some of the most transformative experiences require? Making some sort of return to an energetically stagnant place to finally acknowledge, confront and unpack/heal before you ascend once and for all?
Speaking of "returning to a place to gain closure"...enter my ex-boyfriend. This guy was one of my very first relationships dating back to around 14-15 years old when I was a completely lost little spirit simply trying to navigate young adolescence. Our relationship would in turn manifest continued misaligned, emotionally-abusive relationships that continued until my most recent ex who I broke up with in 2016.
So imagine this:
I'm sitting on the front porch of my mother-in-law's house enjoying my coffee when I get a DM from my ex-boyfriend from over 15 years ago stating that he and his wife were inspired by our choice to move abroad and were making a similar decision.
Politely, I respond "dope! that's wassup" and he continues that of ALL the places in the ENTIRE WORLD they're considering moving a move to a small island off the coast of Belize called...yup, you guessed it...CAYE FREAKING CAULKER! He continues that they're spending a month on the island in March (as you all know by this point, this is the exact time that my family is moving there) and that they will likely buy property on the island, as well.
I was enraged. I was so disturbed that I really was at a loss for words. I responded "ok, cool", blocked him on every social media outlet, blocked his family as well and cried. I cried because whether he was serious or not about making the move, the mere fact that he would say such a thing just to get under my skin made me question how much ownership over my joy he thought he still possessed! It was probably the darkest moment in my stay in Louisiana because it resurfaced so much trauma I'd thought I'd healed from rooted in so many relationship that mirrored this one. One thing that made all the difference, however, was recognizing that yet again, I was being tested. Would I waver, would I stumble, would I fall?...absolutely tf not.
...and so I got over it, shook it off, recognizing exactly what this was (similar to the 5pg letter mentioned in Part 2) and continued to enjoy the last few days of our stay in Louisiana and about 3 weeks ago, we made our return to DC.
It’s been hard…really freaking hard…listening to Josiah wake up and call out for one of his favorite cousins, going back to “ordering in” after a month-long-break from that damn Doordash app, being solely and entirely responsible for both children’s wellbeing while we're both working our asses of & still trying to find some time for pillow talk, sex, intimacy and self-care.
But what I’ve been reminded of with the recent New Moon and the powerful energetic portal of 2/2/22 is that although we’ve been through hell and back these past few months, we’re truly & fundamentally prepared for the biggest move our lives. We’ve had to navigate the very challenges (expected & unexpected) when we'd set our original intention of moving abroad and have come out stronger, more empowered, more connected to each other and our children & even more deeply in love with each other. I don’t suspect that these next 4 weeks will be easy as we are still navigating relationships with folks who don’t possess the emotional capacity to simply be vulnerable and instead project anger, resentment and hurt but at the end of the day, here’s what we’ve learned in choosing a path of total alignment:
Walking a path of alignment is uncomfortable but choosing said path makes so many other people uncomfortable, too.
Being intentional about the life you want to lead, outside of the gaze of parents, friends or anyone else requires that you accept that along your ascension towards your Highest Self, people around you may begin to question their role in your life and may develop subsequent insecurities about that which comes off as anger, resentment or pain. Don't get distracted.
Do not give people the satisfaction of letting their energy throw you off your path. Stay focused.
Do not fold when you face challenges meant to deter you from achieving alignment.
Do not allow people’s insecurities & projections make you question your worth, your intentions or your ability to manifest EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
Do not forget how you felt when you first discovered the very thing that sets your soul on fire and remind yourself of that every single time you encounter a new challenge, test, obstacle that will ultimately make you stronger, more empowered and more committed to manifesting the life of your dreams.
YOU GOT THIS.
Thanks so much for being a part of this blog series, family.
I hope you've gotten a few gems from this piece or any of the others and I thank you deeply and wholeheartedly for reading!
Please feel free to comment your reflections from this series below!
All feedback is good feedback.
Thanks again,
Bree
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